I’ve mentally been in a place this discouraging before, but the fact that I essentially can’t physically do the thing that I am most addicted to, ruined by and surviving via without my body screaming at me to stop makes the situation a little more real this time around.
While Actual Sunlight was obviously an expression of how depression psychologically manifests itself, the one thing that it didn’t express too explicitly about my depression is the connection of it to the chronic physical pain in which I unfortunately live.
While that was mostly relevant to a back injury that I suffered many years ago, that pain was actually in many ways far more manageable than the pain that I find myself suffering currently.
Back in February, not long after the release of the game, I decided to really try to get my personal life going again, including the gym. Sadly, because I’ve become so out of shape over the years as a result of an extremely sedentary personal and professional lifestyle, I quickly overdid it and hurt myself.
Terrifyingly, however, this injury has become an actual impediment to everything I do, by which I mean the only thing I do: Sit at the computer.
I don’t really know exactly what happened. The doctors I’ve been to don’t really know either, but the short of it is that I’ve done something to my neck or my shoulder that has made it substantially painful in my right hand and wrist to sit at a computer and type. As a writer and a gamer and a developer, this is obviously ridiculously crippling. This blog entry as you are reading it, in fact, is not being typed at all; rather, I am dictating it.
It could very likely be connected to another weird way in which I hurt my hand years ago, and consequently started using my left hand to mouse.
The crazy thing is that between my hand, my neck, my shoulder and my back, my right side is now totally mashed, and my left side is totally normal.
Now, this is the part where everybody jumps in with their chiropractor and their physiotherapists and massage kings and all the rest of it. I appreciate that you just want to help me, but I’ve been through all this before with my back, and I know that the truth is that there just are no easy answers. I’m going to follow up and look into a bunch of things, but at best I expect these things to be mildly therapeutic. None of these guys ever really cure any of this shit. That’s how they make a profession out of it, and it isn’t one that I’m in a position to finance regardless.
Please show me a person who goes to any of these people and does not end up going to them – frequently and continuously – forever.
But I do know this: If there is any chance that my own, actual body will recover from this and be able to type at a computer ever again, I’m going to need to stop sitting at a god damn computer for 12 hours and just biting through the hurt like I am now.
If you really want the truth, I think I’m just permanently fucked up as a result of the horrifically computer-based way I’ve spent most of my life already. Whatever fixed supply our joints/muscles/bones/whatever receive of the ability to sit in one place and just atrophy is a supply that I have simply chugged through in a fraction of the time I was supposed to have in the first place.
At the same time, I’m still a freelance corporate writer, and I still have to make a living. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do that through dictation and Advil. But until I get right with myself about this really ominous situation, I am going to stop with the recreational side of this bullshit entirely.
That means no games, no Twitter – e-mail, please, if you want to get in touch – and who knows? Maybe I can even find something to do in the real world this summer.
Or maybe not. Honestly, everything hurts all the time. All I can say is that if I do make it back, I’ll try to at least have something good to say about it. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep doing some writing for my next game in my head or into a recorder, but I’m not going to overtly give a shit if I do or don’t.
I’m really fucked up and I need to take care of myself.