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[img[banner.jpg]] \n''<h2>Rob Ford: <<print either("Bad Mayor", "The Heat Is On", "His Final Crisis?", "Sinking in Uncharted Waters", "Scared of the Media!", "The Downward Spiral of ADDICTION", "Surely This is The End", "Surrounded by ISSUES, Losing Allies", "Unable to Govern Effectively - STRUGGLING for a Way Out", "Scrutinizing the FACTS", "The Inevitable Decline", "Cracking Under the Pressure of JOURNALISM", "Nowhere to Run", "His Ultimate Downfall", "The Cage of Hubris", "Desperate, With His Back to the Wall") >></h2>''By: ''<<print either("Daniel Dale", "Robin Doolittle", "Jennifer Pagliaro", "Joe Warmington", "Sarah Nolan", "Kevin Donovan", "Marcus Gee") >>'', Published on Sun Feb 02 2014 \n\nRob Ford, the Mayor of ''<<print either("North America's 5th largest city", "Ontario's capital", "Toronto", "a bitterly-divided civic nightmare", "Canada's largest city", "a gigantic construction site", "Badboy Furniture II: Boy Badder", "a reckless orgy of condominiums", "what used to be an admirable place to live", "Ford Nation", "the Dixon City Bloods") >>'', is facing fresh accusations of ''<<print either("public drunkenness", "Yakuza membership", "grand theft auto", "public urination", "indecent exposure", "agricultural offenses", "depraved indifference", "assault with an improvised weapon", "conspiracy to hack into private data", "driving while intoxicated", "cocaine possession", "heroin possession", "marijuana possession", "drug trafficking", "willful destruction of city property", "extortion", "blackmail", "conspiracy to commit armed robbery") >>'' following an incident at ''<<print either("the Annual Santa Claus Day Parade", "a well-known Rexdale crack house", "Taste of the Danforth", "the opening of a city daycare facility", "a memorial for civil rights activists", "a public library where he stopped to use the bathroom", "the Beaches Jazz Festival", "Swiss Chalet", "a Remembrance Day ceremony", "a Toronto Maple Leafs game", "a Toronto Triumph game", "a Toronto Blue Jays game", "a Toronto Argonauts game", "the Annual Khalsa Day Parade", "Winterlicious", "the Taste of Little Italy", "the Toronto International Film Festival", "Nuit Blanche", "the St. Patrick's Day Parade", "24 Sussex Drive") >>''. \n\nThe allegations, which first surfaced when Ford was videotaped ''<<print either("via hidden cellphone camera", "by CTV News during a scheduled interview", "accidentally by himself", "by iPhone-wielding children", "by other criminals", "by an airborne narcotics task force", "by family friends at a private dinner", "by gang members who have adopted him like some kind of drug-addled mascot", "by recently paroled staff members") >>'', appear to depict the Mayor ''<<print either("screaming incoherently about faggots", "smoking crack cocaine out of a glass pipe", "drunkenly falling out the door of his Escalade", "attempting to order a vodka soda at Tim Hortons", "gesticulating wildly at a group of women while visibly intoxicated", "claiming to be in top shape after shaking hands with a personal trainer", "molesting partygoers", "dropping off huge bags of money in convenience stores that obviously have security cameras", "propositioning community service award recipients") >>'', ''<<print either("vomiting onto his own shirt", "spewing racial epithets at a group of black youths who weren't wearing football uniforms", "sleeping while standing up", "expressing melodramatic admiration for the police officers attempting to restrain him", "steering erratically at a Wendy's drive-thru", "nearly drowning in a Solo cup", "honking repeatedly at an unloading Wheel-Trans bus", "wiping his forehead with the business card of a nutritionist") >>'', and ''<<print either("visibly pissing his pants", "telling random people to fuck off", "sweating without mercy", "threatening several homeless men with a lead pipe", "falling over while attempting to get out of a chair", "threatening to murder unknown individuals who had mildly described him", "shitting in a ditch", "tearfully confessing to owning only two suit jackets, one of which was now ruined", "threatening to 'run the whole thing from the can'", "slurring through a proposal to build subways at every major intersection in Toronto", "swearing holy vengeance on his detractors as soon as they find themselves in jail") >>''. "Rob never had much of a passion for the label business," shrugged brother and city councillor Doug Ford, insisting that the Mayor will stand firm on his record of ''<<print either("having saved the city billions", "subways, subways, subways", "being the most honest politician in Canada", "never snitching", "helping him get elected", "gravy train annihilation", "moving forward, the way that a shark does", "eliminating all taxes", "running a 25-billion dollar metropolis like a Time-Life operator", "football", "promising to only get drunk in their basement from now on") >>''.\n\n''<<print either("Anonymously", "Publicly", "Desperately", "Wearily") >>'', municipal ''<<print either("staff", "officials", "protesters", "staplers", "groundskeepers", "residents", "comptrollers", "union officials") >>'' have insisted that developments at city hall have reached ''<<print either("a breaking point", "the point of no return", "endgame", "the peak of absurdity", "a critical impasse", "really no further than they were the entire time") >>''. "He needs to ''<<print either("enter rehab for the sake of his family", "be imprisoned just long enough to get removed on a technicality", "quit before he has a massive heart attack that it is frankly astonishing he hasn't already had", "be thrown out of office by the province", "get re-elected wherever they'll have him in a newly de-amalgamated Toronto", "consider that he is literally killing himself for nothing but the amplification of his own disgrace", "leave office before the outcome which would typically follow trying to embarass the Chief of Police") >>,"'' mentioned one source, insisting that they were certainly not trying ''<<print either("anything at this point just to get him out", "to act like they actually have any hope that this will all work out", "to make a mockery of democracy, as if all of this hasn't already", "to circumvent bureaucratic processes that will almost certainly lead to nothing happening at all") >>''.\n\nIn the wake of recent events, approval ratings for the mayor have ''<<print either("inexplicably", "suicide-inducingly", "predictably", "face-palmingly", "tellingly", "magically") >>'' risen to ''<<print either("55%", "61%", "74%", "81%", "94%") >>''. "I like him," said ''<<print either("Dave", "Bob", "Steve", "Doug", "Ron") >>'' from ''<<print either("Etobicoke", "Scarborough") >>''. "It has something to do with my ''<<print either("intelligence", "opinion of education", "car", "revenge", "indifference", "lawn", "irrational belief that I will someday be very wealthy") >>.''"\n\nWhen asked for comment, Ford expressed ''<<print either("an apology", "his regret", "a facade of stressful concern", "a blubbering exhalation", "a look of sadness that he had just practiced in a mirror") >>'' over what he described as ''<<print either("a mistake", "an error","'my bad'", "human nature", "a media conspiracy", "getting caught", "boredom", "unexamined hypocrisy") >>''. "This definitely, ''<<print either("probably", "maybe", "basically", "kinda", "hopefully", "locally", "visibly") >>'' won't happen again," said the Chief Magistrate. "I completely understand that the ''<<print either("taxpayers", "people who didn't inherit a hugely profitable business", "little guys", "small business owners", "members of machismo-based subcultures") >>'' of this great city want me to get back to ''<<print either("coming in late every day, vanishing for huge parts of the afternoon, then having the audacity to invoke the idea of hard work as one of my defining qualities", "looking for a new team to coach", "playing walkie-talkie with my brother on the radio", "watching my immediate family members play sports in their underwear", "dedicating my full attention to pothole repair") >>''. Responsible citizens will not tolerate things [[just going on this way forever."|Start]]\n\n<<playsound "breakingnews.ogg">>
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